Withdrawing

I don‘t want to have kids. I think I‘m almost one hundred percent sure I don‘t want to have kids. Every now and then I slide into depressive episodes and I never had a single depression where I wasn‘t suicidal. Considering the fact that I am in depressive episodes every few months, I‘m not a very stable person. I don‘t want to have kids that need to worry about their parent to die all of the sudden, I don‘t want them to witness how much I want to leave this earth, I don‘t want them to feel like they need to hide every time they have a problem, just because they‘re scared their problem is too much for me. I don‘t want them to be all on their own or having the feeling they need to save me and need to protect me. In no world am I putting children into the same position I was in. Even if it‘s not intentional. No one should feel those things and I‘m able to actually stop the cycle exactly here. No kids of mine will enter this world. I‘m at the point where I‘m sure about this, but am I doing the same to the people around me and to my partner? Am I deadweight that‘s dragging people down by wanting to die? I know that it‘s contraproductive to withdraw from people and be all on my own when I‘m suicidal, but I‘m probably doing them a favor by stopping to put my problems on them. Not that this was ever something I did. Putting my problems on others. At least I never intentionally did. I‘ve learned from a young age that I need to put myself second, third, fourth place.  But never first, because this could cost others their lives. My parents. I‘ve learned to not be selfish about those things. If withdrawing from everyone means I‘m getting worse and they get better, I‘ll choose this. I‘ll choose the bad for me and throw away all the process I‘ve made, so I can save others. Or at least.. that I‘m not dragging them down with me and make them feel like they need to bare me. I know how unbareable I can be. I am too dramatic, too much, not enough at the same time. Probaly too much of the negative things and not enough of the good things. I want to be alone so I can protect everyone else from the negativity I‘m spreading.